my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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