he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
