Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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