me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
