the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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