NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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