Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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