I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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