im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
