my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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