alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
