I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
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I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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