My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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