I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
