hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
