rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
