I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
