She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
