Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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