So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
