Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
