He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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