I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
