I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
