saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
