If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
