Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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