You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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