oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
