You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
