i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
