god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
