he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
