You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
