he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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