Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
