sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
