Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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