Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
