I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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