i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
