I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
