I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
