Don't make out with my wife yet
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Shame - the story of my life.
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