he shaved USA in his pubs
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
