just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
