my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
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Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
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