I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
