I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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