I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
