I am in a vortex of obligation.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
