apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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