If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
