I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your shirt... Was in my pants
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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